November 14th 2019 – Notebook entry – Sitting on a bench outside the flat, after having been for a walk.

I wonder if it’s possible to truly relax?

I find myself tense.

I feel tension in my neck, and my shoulders. I even feel that my face is tense. I don’t think this is because of the cold. And so I actively relax the muscles of my face. I try to relax my shoulders… but the tension remains.

I look up at a brilliant, almost full moon. The sky is clear, and only the brightest stars look down on me. The bright lights of the city, blocking out the rest.

I think of the fires raging in different parts of the world. I saw pictures on Facebook from Australia. I can’t shake the image of those monstrous smoky clouds filling the sky… the flames licking the heavens orange.

I think back to Brazil… California… and a map of the world I saw on social media, showing a blanket of flames covering Africa, and another stretching from India to Indonesia.

It looks like Armageddon. It looks as though the world is being consumed by fire. And yet, here I am, looking up at a picture perfect night sky. I seem to have some safety mechanism in my head, which prevents me from realising the true potential of what might be happening in the world.

It’s confusing. A string of disturbing thoughts pass through my mind.

Are we at the end? Will I survive what is happening in the world? Will my son survive? What about having a second child? Would it be unfair of me to bring another life into this world? Will we burn? Will we suffocate? Freeze maybe?

I stop… I breathe…

I wonder if it’s actually as bad as it all seams? I wonder if I have chosen to encapsulate myself in an online bubble which presents me with this view of the world, simply because these are the stories I have clicked on?

Am I myself being manipulated into thinking a certain way? Am I being fed a paradigm of the world, which is not of my own making?

I wonder if I can change the world I live in, simply by exposing myself to a different outlook. If I can alter the course of my own personal universe, simply by believing in a different one. One with a better outcome.

Perhaps on an individual level this may be possible… but I fear that the law of large numbers is against us as a species.

We all say we are doing our part to change. We all say that we are taking steps to slow down what is happening. To avert disaster. And yet disaster still seems to be on its way.

We leave lights on in rooms where we are not.

We drive when we could walk or take public transport.

We buy out of season fruits and vegetables from other countries.

We waste… we consume… and we point the finger in every which way but home.

As individuals we are informed, educated, and proactive. At large, we are more akin to 7,744,104,788 lemmings, confidently following the biggest and brightest, over the cliff. Our appointed leaders.

And still… I seem to have some inbuilt mechanism which prevents me from understanding the possibility of our spices going extinct. Why is that?

Are we ingenious enough to save our planet? Or at least save ourselves? Or is this hubris? A piece of genetic code maybe? Put in place to make sure that we continue to spread our seed no matter what… and blind us from the truth.

I have no idea.

We blame presidents, prime ministers, supreme leaders, and corporations. Yet, these people are just as clueless as the rest of us. They too look at the world through confused eyes. Baffled by those around them. Perplexed in themselves. Not knowing what to do or where to run to.

And so, like everyone else, they continue to walk the line they have chosen. Fearing to turn back incase they get it wrong again. Digging their heels in and making a stand for something… anything… rather than nothing.

I think I need to push back more. I think I need to fight harder to live the life I want. Focus more on what is within my control, and less on what is outwith.

In todays world, it’s almost impossible to relax. Cyber persuasion is out to get all of us. Every time we look at our screens, we make ourselves vulnerable to social engineering.

I do however, think the world is in trouble… I do believe that we all need to curb our consumption… But I also believe we are being bombarded by messages from governments and corporations, designed to instil confusion, fear, and panic.

I have been met with a LOT of information recently telling me just how bad everything is. And I realise that the more information I consume in this regard, the more I lose the will to truly live. The more I lose the will to pursue my true potential… the easier I am to control perhaps?

Divide and conquer.

We need to think more for ourselves, and follow our own instincts. We need to stay together, and ignore those who would drive us apart. We need to understand that anger, fear, and hate, can be impressed upon us by others… and we are all susceptible!

I look up at the moon again. There is so much delicate beauty in our world… and so much strength and power in the universe.

Audio

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